Your Cross to Bear
by burst 'N bloom
Summary: Of course he was more than twelve shades of odd. Wonky, queer, strange, off his rocker, that one – and I wouldn't be the first nor the last to admit to it. dark!Antonio/Lovino. AU


**AN**: First off, I probably sound like an American pretending to be British. Go figure since that's what I am.  
Second, my perspective writing sucks because I'm not really sure how they would feel in a situation like this. It was fun to try out though. Too bad you can't tell one apart from another -_-  
Third… I made an OC to be one of Lovi's friends, kinda like I'd imagine his mafia to be like, so don't crucify me without giving him a try! T_T I just needed someone to be Lovi's friend and I realized… he doesn't... have any. LOL

**Disclaimer**: Do not own except for Giancoli's small bit! Do not sue. I have no money :)

* * *

_Arthur Kirkland, age 22._

Don't you dare get the wrong idea here; I'm neither that bloody prat's friend nor his keeper so I won't act as if I know all of the details pertaining to his… peculiarity. But yes, wasn't this made perfectly obvious from the previous report? Of course he was more than twelve shades of odd. Wonky, queer, strange, off his rocker, that one – and I wouldn't be the first nor the last to admit to it. He was always a little bit out there, always toeing the line between normalcy and… some other bizarre sort of state, though I suppose I shouldn't talk. We all were a bit odd.

The thing with Antonio was that it passed off nice and well most of the time. He was brilliant at keeping everybody's expectations of him low and unassuming, with this dazed sort of smile and an airy look on his face, but I guess I knew more about him than some of the others because they couldn't see past his brilliant facade.

That's not to say I expected this out of him. To be perfectly honest with you, he wasn't even on my radar at all. If I had expected anybody to burst into flames anytime soon, it would've been Ivan. I guess we all thought that, so imagine our astonishment when instead of a mad Ivan storming in through the doors, Antonio burst in with this half glazed look and a deliriously high pitch in his voice straining on unbearable, practically foaming at the mouth, shouting "Where is he?". He was stark raving mad, was what he was. I'll never forget that look on his face, though I assure you, I've tried.

* * *

_Gilbert Beilschmidt, age 22 _

Look, Toni doesn't deserve to be locked up for whatever happened. I know it probably doesn't look good to you psychobabbling morons all things considered, but Toni was one of the few people that actually cared. I don't know who you've been talking to but if anyone deserves this, it's Ivan.

What, you don't know? That little fucker's been out beating people in with a goddamn metal pipe for way too long – yeah, you heard me. A fucking metal pipe. Go check his records if you want. And if you'd believe this shit, even the amazing me got smacked a few times around. He thinks that it's fucking funny because, oh I don't know, maybe the smell of blood gets him off or something. So hey, if you want a kid with problems, then work on _him_, not Toni.

As far as Toni goes, I don't think he has anything wrong with him up in the brains department besides the fact that he's a total moron half the time. If I had to say he had a fault it'd be that he just gets too passionate about some things, but he won't bother to get worked up about anything else. It gets to him pretty badly sometimes – kinda becomes an obsession. He had this huge phase with Catholicism which, you know, I was Catholic too so I didn't think it was all _that_ weird, but at this one point, he got really snippy and paranoid about it. It wasn't like him at all. Spouting parables and digging around people's homes trying to convince them to listen to him, he really got on the nerves of some of the hardasses around here with his – oh, what do you call 'em – moral accusations? That's probably why you've got him stuck up in there, cause some uppity bastard didn't like the way he acted a few years ago and he's paying you off, right?

Even if I wanted to help you, none of you assholes seem to think it's a good idea to tell me or Francis the truth about what's going on. What, we're going to 'cover for him?' We're gonna get 'emotionally damaged' , is that it? Fuck you.

Oh so, you're 'working it out'?

Yeah. Right. That's exactly why we're being shunted to the side while everybody else gets in on what's wrong with the bastard.

Anyways, he's still pretty big on the whole religion scene though I think it's calmed down a lot since then…

Come to think of it, that might be part of why he partially lost his fucking head. Not to say I think he deserves to be in there, I mean. I just… You know, what with the whole religious code or whatever. It kinda makes sense… They say God can drive a hard bargain between sanity and the loss of it, but fuck me if I know what that means.

* * *

_ Francis Bonnefoy, age 23._

Mm, I take it you've spoken with Gilbert, then? Well yes, of course. We were his best friends throughout most of our lives, though Gilbert always was a bit uncouth and Antonio was a bit… dim. He wasn't necessarily _stupid_, but let's just say some of his ideas bordered on ludicrous and unfounded even though Heaven knows he's absolutely delicious to look at. If I were that Belgium girl that he'd been dating, you wouldn't even want to know all the dirty things I'd do to him – though, I'd probably do it anyways. (_a small smirk)_ As long as the lovely lady doesn't see, that's all that matters, hm?

Oh right, sorry. Off topic.

What did you want to know? Mm, her name's Bella Martens. I'd have thought you would've had her in your list of interrogations by now. (Rather sad that you didn't even gather who she was, hm?) Beautiful girl, by the way, though she's a little rough around the edges.

They were sweet together. L'amour in the air and all that. Gilbert and I used to make fun of Antonio for being tied down to a girl without having ever slept with her what with his whole 'virtuoso Christian' act, but really, I have to admit, it was nice to see them together. A more perfect couple couldn't have existed. From what we've gathered, they're still together. Or at least, I think. I haven't actually seen them together for a month now. Perhaps she dumped him? It'd explain a bit about that 'raving madness' that Arthur was talking about. I wasn't there to see it, though I'm sure he was exaggerating.

Arthur has a tendency to imagine a lot of things; in fact, he probably harbors far more issues than Antonio does. Why, can I tell you, just a few days ago he was telling me this ludicrous story about his pet unicorn! I guess I'm used to his delusions by now. The unicorn's name is Charlie, by the way, so if you ever want to ask about him – you know, check his sanity while you're at it – please, be my guest. He gets really excited about that sort of garbage.

* * *

Bella Martens, age 21.

I don't really want to talk about him. In fact, I'm glad he's gone crazy. That's the sort of thing that _should _happen to a cheating bastard, and you know what else I think? I think he should probably stay that way for a _long, long_ time just so the message sticks. You don't cheat on a woman like that and let her find out the way I did. You just don't.

…

Sorry, I'm just… not ready to talk yet. Maybe next week? So much has happened… It just feels so surreal. I just… I don't even want to think about him yet.

* * *

_Arthur Kirkland._

When do I think it started… Well, I would have to say from my perspective, it'd be the day in the middle of November when he came up to me and asked me with that bloody stupid smile on his face if I could lend him one of my spell books. Of course I declined. The prat wouldn't know what to do with a bit of moonstone to begin with; he probably didn't even know where to _find _it. Magic isn't made for filthy dabblers to toy around with and Antonio, idiot as he was, would only find himself worse off for asking.

…What? Oh, you're a nonbeliever. (_soft scoff)_ Well it's not worth discussing whether magic exists or not with someone like you because _I _know that it does and you're _clearly_ not made for producing magic even if you had believed in it.

All that aside, Antonio started talking to me more, pretending he was slick. I'm sure you could imagine. I reckon he must've picked up a book from the library though I have to admit that most of those pathetic tomes are hardly fit for actual magical use. I would know, I've tried them out.

Either way, Antonio would appear at all these inopportune times to ask me where to find a bit of boar's teeth or a slice of petrified padauk wood, as if he thought I'd give up that information so easily. Those ingredients weren't the ones he actually asked for, mind you, since I don't want you to spread things like this around to the general public, but the fact of the matter is that he did come to me frequently. I'd see him around sometimes at night, prowling around trees and digging up random tidbits and sneaking it into his jacket.

I thought the whole ordeal seemed a bit off but you can't hold it against me for imagining that Antonio was just being himself, getting caught up in things that really didn't concern him. Besides, it wasn't as if I were actually his friend or anything. I had no obligations towards him to uphold other than one of an experienced magician. I gave him perfectly useful information about the validity of using those worthless books, about looking for ingredients, and about using spells for one's own personal gain.

I reckon one day it came into my mind that I should know what he was trying to brew, just to see if it might harbor any bad blood between us. So I recounted all the ingredients he asked of me and tried to track down a few potions that I had learned during my extensive time practicing the occult.

A variation on a love potion, then.

I'd imagined it was for Bella. I mean, who else could it have been for?

* * *

_ Gilbert Beilschmidt._

My brother's this fucking boring hulking thing of a guy who cares more about rules than his own life when he could probably destroy all of authority with his pinky finger.

He's like, the most uppity person I know, and that's saying something when you share a class with Arthur Kirkland and Roderich Edelstein (who is a total bastard, by the way). Anyways I brought him up because he told me what happened when he heard that I wasn't supposed to know about it. Let's face it, you psychoanalyzing freaks. If even Ludwig defies you, then you're pretty much totally out of line. Anyways, turns out his best friend is Feliciano Vargas AKA, little brother of Lovino Vargas. And… I'm.. well… I don't know. I love Toni, I do. He's a good kid underneath anything he might've done. His heart's always been in the right place. _Always_. Doesn't everyone lapse into insanity once in a while?

I'm not asking for… consolation or anything, ok? I get that what he did was wrong. I get it. I just don't understand how it could've happened or why he never said anything.

Maybe it was the religion that got to him. Spewing all that crap about fidelity and love and whatever, saying it's only for… straight people…

God, I still can't wrap my brain around that. Antonio? _Really? _I've been his best friend for so many years now and he never once told me anything that might've even hinted at him being… bent.

Argh, this is gonna fuck with my head forever now! I wonder if he liked being groped by Francis and that's why he never acted like he noticed…?

Ok, ok no more thinking about things that are gonna make me fucking vomit in 3 seconds. Quick, ask me a question! Distract me, you fucker!

…

Oh, yeah, I knew Lovino. Cute kid. Not so cute mouth. Probably worse than mine, I bet, which is saying something. He was a total brat though, always complaining about everything and bitching about his life every day. I usually saw him a couple times a week when I had to _mom_ Ludwig before he could drive, and surprise, surprise, he didn't like me. He liked calling Ludwig and me bastards. German bastards, too. What can I say, the kid knows how to dig where it hurts. I'm joking by the way you fucking therapist. You're supposed to laugh. I mean, it's a well-established fact that I'm actually Prussian, but I won't get into that here.

I didn't even know Lovino knew Antonio, actually. Always thought they were just separate scopes in my life - one annoying and one almost as awesome as me. In fact,

Antonio didn't react at all when I got this call from Ludwig saying that Lovino disappeared. He just kind of turned to me with this blank look on his face and asked me "Who's Lovino?" And that was that.

* * *

_Feliciano Vargas, age 19._

Hi… Mhm, I'm Lovi's fratello! Is he ok? Is he in the hospital?

Oh… Um, if you want to ask me questions about Antonio, I don't know all that much… Lovi never really told me much about his life and the only reason I even knew Antonio existed is cause of Gilbert. He used to tell me all these funny stories about their times with Francis so I always just imagined Antonio would be a lot like Gilbert. Kinda loud but fun to talk to? Ludwig always said Antonio was the lesser of the three evils in the group.

Um, have you talked to Ludwig yet? I … I don't think I can help very much…

Oh.

Have you talked to Lovi?

Oh.

Well in any case, I really hope you can help both of them! I'm sure Antonio's… not a bad person. I just… Well. Please help Lovi, won't you? The house seems a little quieter without him always breaking everything. I even miss his shouting. At least we found him, right? Right?

* * *

_Bella Martens. _

Sorry about our last meeting. I just… Everything was so fresh and I couldn't really think properly.

Oh, thanks... I'm sure you have a lot of questions. I don't know if I can answer them all, but I'll try.

… When did things start going downhill for Antonio and me? Well I'm not really sure where to begin. I always thought we had this perfect relationship going. He was so sweet and gentlemanly, completely sweeping me off my feet in one go. He always took perfect care of me and was terribly charming until about the beginning of this year. We used to have these dates on Saturdays, just a little something spontaneous and new that we made a tradition out of. We'd go out to a restaurant we'd never been to and try something exciting out for entertainment.

For the first few weeks, he was pretty diligent about it and always took care of every date but then he started acting a little... strange. Like he couldn't focus. Like he was thinking about something else. He'd be driving and I 'd ask him a question but he wouldn't even hear me over the radio. We'd get to dinner and he'd focus more on the food than anything and if we went out to a club or a movie, moonlight strolls, anything really, he was just like a corpse. Nothing registered. He was still sweet when he was paying attention, but the more I waited for him to shake out of it, the worse he got.

Of course I suspected the worst. He was obviously either with another girl or thinking of getting out of our relationship as fast as possible, but I couldn't think of a good reason why he'd want to break it off. Everyone thought we were going to get married, have a bunch of kids and grow old together. I thought that was what was going to happen too. Obviously the prospects for that happening now are fairly bleak…

* * *

_Arthur Kirkland_

A love potion, but modified. Only cautious, experienced potions master should have any right to tinker with the proper creation of such an elaborate concoction, and if it hasn't been made clear to you yet by the opinions of everyone you've talked to, Antonio is anything but intelligent.

Generally speaking, the use of a love potion is highly frowned upon by the magical community primarily because it breaches on the notion of free will and the sanctity of love. Of course there's also the fact that there's an overabundance of amateur, pubescent girls who have no real right to be dabbling in magic believing that they're actually concocting something to make someone fall in love with them, but that's not as significant. Usually the books they consult insist upon all sorts of poncey ingredients like rose petals, a lock of hair, simmering wine and the rest of that sort of rot, but that's all rubbish.

In reality, that simply creates the illusion of infatuation for about a day or two but wears off almost immediately afterwards. A _true_ love potion requires much more disturbing ingredients, calling for blood and skin of the seducer and the like to strengthen the attraction and bond. To hoodwink a person's emotions and control their heart is darker magic than those bloody Hollywood scriptwriters have made it seem; proper brewing will yield a subservient lover, completely dependent on their partner, but for any slip ups that may occur, the resultant effects on the one being… I suppose 'wooed' is the best way to put it, is magnified to horrific extents.

Antonio is neither a competent potions brewer nor even a competent rational thinker to begin with, so of course I became worried. The negligence that often overtakes that insufferable tosser would surely become Bella's death if she were to drink from anything he made. But what could I do? I tried warning him. I tried warning _her._ How could I have ever fathomed that he meant to use it on Lovino and not Bella? I knew of course, that the two shared lessons together, but that they even acknowledged each other's presence was news to me…

You could talk to Kiku for some insight into those lessons, but I doubt you'll find much. Lovino wasn't exactly known as being an extremely friendly sort of person and he held no patience for the idiocy that Antonio so expertly embodied. And the Spaniard himself was friendly enough but only truly opened up to Gilbert, Francis, and Bella, so really anything that may have burgeoned within the classroom would have been subdued at best.

In hindsight, I'm sure whatever Antonio managed to cook up won't kill Lovino. Knowing the boy's sensitive tongue and absolutely horrid sense of etiquette, he probably only drank a sip before spitting the lot of it out.

Hm? Why? Well obviously, the downside to the potion beside everything else I've thrown out at you is that it supposedly tastes disgusting – too disgusting to hide very well in any kind of drink besides some form of extremely strong alcohol, but who's to say that the two were close enough to go drinking together? (_ruffles hair and glances away)_

This whole thing… it's rubbish. I can't explain it, but something about it doesn't add up no matter which way I look at it. I might be the only one to notice how… unusual Antonio's always been, but even that doesn't make me think he'd actually do everything they say he did. He's… well, I hate to admit it, but he's a good person most of the time.

Honestly, between him or Lovino, I'd have thought the little Italian punk would've been the one to cause more damage.

* * *

_Kiku Honda, age 20 _

Hello sir, I understand my friend Arthur suggested you speak with me?

This is about the happenings that occurred concerning Antonio and Lovino, am I correct? (_a gentle nod)_

Arthur-san was right when he said that I shared a class with the two of them; it was advanced classical literature with Professor Robbins. It's a fairly large group of people and we meet in the lecture hall where he discusses symbolism and thematic elements in some novels we're asked to read. I regret to say that I'm not necessarily as skilled as I'd like to be in the class, but it is worth listening to his lectures because he does bring up some excellent observations.

I do not really know how much help I can be to you considering I was neither of their friends and I tend to be… rather reserved, but if there are any questions at all that you may have, I'd be more than happy to answer them.

… Well I'm not sure when exactly they met but I'm tempted to say it was when Antonio arrived late to the lecture hall. He always seemed to be a bit preoccupied with things and tended to be sort of like a force of nature, sweeping in and creating a scene wherever he went.

He sat next to Lovino as that was one of the few open seats. I was seated a row behind them and 2 seats over. I regret to say I didn't focus much on them as I maybe should have, but I did notice that Lovino tended to have a wide berth of space between him and the other people around him besides Antonio. Antonio leaned in to ask Lovino for a pen, I imagine, after rifling through his bag to scrap out a piece of paper, but the Italian just ignored him and continued fiddling with his phone, completely unaware of Antonio's existence. In any case, the Spaniard sort of slumped and asked the girl behind him for a pen instead and proceeded to take a few notes on what the professor was saying about Anna Karenina. I think we were discussing the bit about the horse race.

Ah yes?... Not really, I didn't notice anything odd about their first meeting. Neither seemed particularly eager to create a friendship or clash with each other. They both simply went their own ways in class and ignored each other for the most part, from what I remember. Though at the end, I remember Antonio tried to strike up a conversation. He introduced himself to Lovino and smiled, blocking his way out of the rows of chairs, but was quickly rejected. Lovino shoved him out of the way and walked to the door with his bag in tow, muttering under his breath some obscenities while Antonio just vapidly smiled at his back.

I suppose any interaction between them amounted to exactly that. Now that I think about it, ever since that day, Antonio did begin to sit next to Lovino whenever he could, considering most people generally avoided the Italian because he made a habit of either ignoring them or exploding in their faces. For a while Antonio did attempt to make talk with the boy but that died off eventually when he realized that Lovino had absolutely no interest in speaking to him, much less being friends. Then they just ignored each other like always, though still usually sitting by one another, until Lovino disappeared.

If it makes for any significance, Antonio did seem a bit haggard after that day. He came in late almost every class, rushed off early and never paid attention to what the professor was saying.

Everybody often claims that Antonio isn't exactly bright, but I think he just has a lot on his mind. Forgive me if I sound as though I was prying into his life, but he always used to ask Lovino for a pen as if he never remembered to bring one. The thing is, there was always a pen sitting in a small trapper he had and once he realized that Lovino wouldn't respond to him, he resorted to taking out that same pen and doodling on his papers without any regard for class decorum.

He was drawing up some plans or something, but it was written in Spanish, which I've never taken. He wrote this long list of things and scratched them off, one by one, stealing glances at a time to his left to watch where undoubtedly, Lovino should have been sitting.

If there was anything odd between them, I'd say it was Lovino's obvious enmity towards Antonio more than anything else.

* * *

_Christoph Giancoli, age 22._

Yeah, I guess you could say I'm pretty good friends with Lovino. I hear he doesn't , y'know '_play well with others' _at his own school but we like him ok over here. Good kid behind that tough guy attitude… If you could call that tough. (_small smirk)_

Have I ever met Antonio? (_booming laugh)_ Well yeah I have! I think it was late September, was it? Funny story about that, I never really thought the kid would be that fucking deranged but yeah, Lovino made me kinda… play along. I'm sorta sorry I did now; maybe he wouldn't have gone that far if it weren't for me.

Hm? Yeah yeah, it's not like the brat's in any position to stop me from telling you – besides, he doesn't scare _any_ of us. Everyone thinks because he talks big that he _is_ big, but you say that to any one of us guys and you'll find it's just a huge joke.

Anyways, lemme get to the good stuff. So this one day, Lovino comes into the local tavern sort of late, and he gets there and kinda throws himself at the chair, and we're obviously confused because, I mean, the kid's melodramatic to begin with but this is kind of new.

So I'm like "Hey brat, what's biting your ass today?". He kinda snarls at me and finally sits down on the chair like a normal human, orders a drink and chugs the shit down.

You know what he says? It's priceless. "There's this fucking Spanish bastard in my lecture hall who keeps hitting on me."

Oh man, that got a great response. Let's face it here, Lovino's a pretty boy, and we love giving him shit for it because he gets catcalls from a lot of queers around here. It drives him absolutely insane and it's pretty much the highlight of my day.

"It's cause you look like you'd like it up the ass, pretty boy." We all laughed at that because Lovino started screaming "you fucking bastard", waving his glass around like he was about to knock someone's head off with it. But it does make you wonder about him what with the whole 'gaydar' thing that them kids have, not that I think it matters either way. What that bastard did was fucked up beyond words, regardless.

Anyways, we spent most of the night there, drinking and talking about random crap, getting drunk as hell, but then a bunch of the other guys went home. Lovino and I live pretty close by and since I'm probably the closest to him out of the group, we decided to just stay a little while longer and let loose.

All the sudden, Lovino kind of freezes up like something crawled up his spine and he starts twisting around in his chair away from the door. He says something along the lines of "what the fuck is that bastard doing here?" and takes a swill of his drink before turning to look at me.

"Christoph," he says, and he sounds like he's being strangled on the spot or something. "That fucking bastard is here that I was talking about. The Spanish guy. No, don't look _now!_".

I look.

Screw whatever Lovino has to say.

It's this nice looking kid, tall and broad, probably plays a lot of sports, standing there with this kind of confused look on his face as if he doesn't know why he's there or even where he is. He looks nice. Just the type of guy I'd imagine picking Lovi up at a club. (_snicker)_

Now, like I said, you don't wanna get the misconception that Lovino's this tough guy wonder who can take care of his problems well, because honestly? He's the complete opposite.

He gets panicky because the kid makes eye contact with me, and suddenly Lovino grabs my hands. I know, what the fuck? Then he starts murmuring in this weirdly high pitched voice that he gets when he's scared "Christoph, pretend you're my boyfriend."

OK, listen, I love the boy as a friend and all, but I'm not going to pretend I'm going out with the kid. I start to pull out of the grip but I do notice the guy at the door's just standing there, staring. Lovino obviously thinks this is a great idea because he'll do anything to get away from him, I hear. So he starts smiling (which is _sososo_ weird because he never smiles at _anyone_) and get this, he starts threatening me. Blackmailing me. Telling me he's going to tell my girlfriend about this mistake I made – and well, that's unimportant right now – but yeah, he's got this great little act going while making me start sweating for my life.

You wouldn't think he's all that scary from everything I've said already, but when I say mistake, I mean like… a big one. Like getting another girl pregnant type of mistake. Like… Oh, sleeping with your mom, sort of mistake. The kind you don't ever want to get out.

So of course I'm sweating absolute balls in there and I'm wishing I had just left with the rest of the guys instead of staying with this drama queen. The Spanish guy takes a step forward and suddenly he's at our corner, tapping Lovino's shoulder with a smile.

"Hi Lovino!" He sounds really friendly. "What a coincidence seeing you here!" He pointedly ignores me, but sits down with us. Lovi just grunts and starts squeezing the life out of my hand, which is weird considering the kid has the strength of a 5 year old most of the time. Spanish boy keeps going like he doesn't even notice that Lovino obviously doesn't want to talk to him. "Who's your friend?"

He doesn't look at me, just keeps staring at Lovi like a crazy little puppy, that creepy dazed glaze in his eyes, and then I _knew_ that he had it bad for Lovi. Like real bad. I didn't know it'd be _that_ bad though.

"This is Christoph." He's talking through his teeth and then, _oh_, he says it. "He's my boyfriend." Never mind the horrified look on my face, that Spanish kid looks seriously put out and oh Lord, it's all really complicated. He kind of chuckles and scratches the back of his head with a little smile and a tiny 'oh'. It goes silent.

…. Awwwwkward, amiright?

So yeah. That was my first time meeting him. I suppose I should've thought it was weird, that he knew Lovi was in the tavern at all to begin with or that he appeared that night. The dingy little place barely gets any business at all (the owner blames it on us for being so damn noisy all the time, but fuck him, he's my brother so I don't care) and not many people besides regulars frequent it. Duh, my perception is about as great as my ability to keep my pants on, hence my inability to notice anything out of the ordinary.

I thought that he seemed like a nice guy, didn't want to stir up any trouble obviously because he never came out to kill me with a fucking hacksaw or anything afterwards. Nope, he did the opposite and went for the other guy in the 'relationship' which makes even less sense.

I think I must've been at least a little wary of him. There was this weird gleam in his eyes, like he was going to do something crazy if something pushed him over the edge. Like he was just glancing over something really important. I don't know what I'm saying. All I know is that he had this freaky look in his eyes since I first saw him and all I can say is that I should've taken better care of Lovi.

I know you're not supposed to say it's your fault when things like this happen, but I really believe that if I had just decided to stay with Lovi that night til we all got home, this wouldn't have happened.

Tell him when he gets better that I'm really sorry, will ya?

Tell him it was my fault, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to him.

* * *

_ Bella Martens _

There was this moment in time where I believed we were getting better together. Antonio took me out to this exclusive, really amazing club early November, and for once he was actually paying attention to me. You have no idea how good that felt, even though I still resented that he could have ignored me that much just a few weeks beforehand.

You're a woman, you know how it feels, right? I was so.. _scared_ I guess, that he was going to leave me for someone else or that he just wanted to get rid of me, but the moment he started dancing with me, it just felt like everything would be ok again. It was like we were back to the first few months of dating, when everything was beautiful and perfect, when time spent apart felt like months and when all that we did was always… together. I really thought, that day, that I could marry him because just his smile was enough to make me forgive him for whatever happened in the past.

Later, I was at the bar and he was talking to the bartender there about sports or something, I don't know – it never really interested me all that much. I was getting a little bored, so I started texting my friend Elizabeta about how my suspicions must've been wrong when suddenly, I felt it. It was this, sharp stinging sort of sensation boiling right by my waist but it happened so quickly that I was sort of numb to it. All I knew was that something was jutting out above my right hipbone. It didn't even hurt. Then I felt the warmth pool at my side, and leak out in little torrents of blood. There was a piece of shattered glass right there, and nobody had even noticed – hell, I almost didn't – except for Antonio.

He completely leapt to his feet from the bartender and started whispering all these sweet words about how it was going to be ok, how he was going to absolutely murder the guy who did that to me because Antonio had glimpsed it happening. He pulled out the piece of glass nice and neat, and asked for the bartender to call a doctor or something. I'm not sure. I felt sort of faint but all I could think of was that Antonio really must've cared about me. His hands were painted completely wet with crimson and the glass shard was still gripped in his fist when he started running into the direction the guy had went.

All I could think of was '_Antonio really loves me…'_ and I believed that he did. I believed that I could forgive him for straying a little, but it's funny how things work out, isn't it? I can't forgive him for _this_, no matter how wonderful he'd been .

After that day, he was completely chipper, always on the move, kissing me all the time like we were back in high school. Lovely. I loved it. I loved the attention he doled out on me, I loved the way he held my hand, and I loved the way he touched my hair.

"You look so beautiful with short hair, you know that Bella?" He'd finger through my hair as if it were silk and kiss me like I were something worthy of praise and I adored him. He asked for a lock of hair then. I thought it was sort of archaic, but it must've signaled some kind of progress on our relationship, so I just laughed it off and give him a couple strands. Not a big deal. All I'm saying is that there was a time I believed in us. I gave us a chance, but he threw it away.

* * *

_Lovino Vargas, age 21._

Fuck. Fuck. I can't.. talk about this.

That kid is deranged. I knew he was after me. He kept… following me, everywhere I went, every night and every day. Like, fuck. It was alright in classes. He was just this airhead bastard that never remembered to bring a pen, and he sat next to me _once._ But he had this… look. And then he always found me in a crowd, always tried to talk to me, always gave me this half crazed stare as if I were… the source of his insanity.

Half the time, he'd be smiling. The other half, he'd look as if he swallowed a rock or something. Fucking bastard. Who.. the fuck… does that?

He came up to the tavern one night, I think he must've been hiding or waiting. Christoph went home early because I think he was sick of dealing with our crap all the time, and by the time the last of us were leaving, I had no one to go home with. It's not supposed to be dangerous for a guy, right? So I went home, but I was tailed by that… fucker. He just fucking appeared right next to me! With that completely mental smile on his stupid Spanish face as if he thought that quirking his lips up would make following me at 3am acceptable.

Absolutely fucking mental.

I don't remember what happened right after that. He talked, I ignored him. Then everything went dark.

* * *

_Gilbert Beilschmidt_

Wait, are you fucking retarded or something? It all makes sense! WOW, just leave your job and go flip burgers at a hamburger shop for God's sake, you _suck_ at this.

Doesn't it explain everything?

I've got this theory and it explains why Antonio's gone absolutely batshit crazy. It's… perfect. Almost as good as me.

So here's my thinking. Obviously Antonio's been this huge ass Christian goodie two shoes, right? Follow the good book's standards, go to church every Sunday, go to confession every time you sin.

So he goes into class one day, happy or whatever and he sees that fucking Italian kid sitting somewhere, and wow, he gets interested. And he's sort of like, _why am I interested in a guy?_, because obviously, Antonio's dating Bella who is totally smoking hot and he probably never even suspected himself to … swing that way, you know?

He probably writes it off as him being interested in being friends because he's sort of dumb that way, but then it gets really bad, like Antonio _really_ wants him. But dude, stop writing, this is all just speculation.

So yeah anyways, obviously the Bible isn't too keen on homosexuality, right? Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, you know. So then Toni just loses it. It completely goes against anything he ever believed in and it's all that stupid brat's fault, so I don't know _why_ but to him, the best idea is to kidnap him (I never said Toni was smart). Then the rest is history from there, isn't it? (_wide smirk)_

How's _that_ for some fucking awesome detective work?

* * *

_ Bella Martens_

It was all a lie in the end, that moment in time when we were patching things up. Antonio got even worse after it. He couldn't even look at me anymore without getting pale or appearing as if he'd be sick, which didn't make me feel any better about myself. He started blowing off our Saturday dates because he had this important thing to do – he wouldn't even give me a proper excuse, he would just say he had _something, _which just made it obvious that he was cheating on me. What else could you possibly be doing on a Saturday night if it's not meeting up with another woman?

One day though, he came to my house. He looked jittery and nervous, like he was going to fall to pieces anytime soon. Told me that things weren't good right now for him, especially at home and in school. He said sorry, but he wouldn't look at me in the eyes when he said it, but I told you, didn't I? About how weak I am to him. I couldn't help it; I wanted to forgive him because he just looked so pathetic sitting there at my bed, fumbling with his hands and glancing at the floor.

Anyways, we sort of patched things up there when he suddenly looked at me with this determined look in his eyes and said something I'll never forget. He asked me if I wanted to have sex.

I'm not a blushing virgin or anything; I've had my fair share of partners and I've certainly had a lot more experience than Antonio has ever had, so I was raring to go way before then. But it was always him who had the qualms with it. He wanted to save himself for marriage or something because of his religion and I totally respected that and even thought it was sort of cute. Then all of a sudden, he popped that question at me and I was just really confused.

I made sure he wanted to, just so he wouldn't regret it later on, but he seemed really determined to get some, one way or another. So we did. It was sloppy and clumsy (as expected out of a guy who has no idea what he's doing), but I thought that it just felt so right, being with him like that. What can I say, I loved him.

But that's right before all hell broke loose.

* * *

_Arthur Kirkland_

Whatever may have happened with that potion that Antonio was making obviously didn't work. It's supposed to create an instantaneous, irreversible bond between the two involved, and Kiku never mentioned anything about Lovino following Antonio around, has he? ... Yes, that's precisely what I thought. Rather, it was the other way around.

But how on earth does that even make sense? Antonio made a potion to attract Lovino, didn't he? There should've been _some_ side effects, even if it was poorly brewed. Anything! A poorly made love potion usually results in general nausea and a sense of disgust but Lovino has always seemed disgusted with everything, and if he _had_ been nauseous, he certainly hid his plight well when he was playing soccer for the team.

No.. Antonio was the only one who seemed out of sorts at any point... But why would he brew a love potion for himself? To what ends?

Like I said, the whole thing is rubbish. Write it off as Antonio having always been a little wonky from the start. I don't know, the whole lot of them are crazy.

* * *

**The recorded interview between the therapist and Lovino Vargas, a month after recovery. Lovino Vargas has been in a support group while recovering.**

_Can you recall when this all started? Your initial interaction with Mr. Fernando, perhaps?_

In my classic literature class. He kept fucking bothering me all the time, but I ignored him most of the time or just yelled at him to keep his fucking mouth shut.

_And did he?_

No, obviously not.

_Did you expect anything this dangerous from him? Has he shown signs of aggression?_

No, the kid was like a fucking fairy or something. All he did was smile smile smile and laugh laugh laugh like life were some game. I'm pretty good at picking out when people are into me – and this kid really liked me. But he didn't seem dangerous at all…

_Have you ever eaten with him or drank with him? Given him any opportunity to perhaps slip something into your food?_

What the fuck.. Why does this matter first of all, and no. I haven't. He came by for a drink when I was out at a tavern with Christoph but I stopped drinking by that point. Too fucking on edge.

_Someone has suggested that Mr. Fernando was trying to… slip you a potion._

Uh if it's that psycho Kirkland talking, forget it. The guy sees fucking fairies and leprechauns and thinks they're his friends.

_I see. What happened on the night you were kidnapped?_

(scoff) Didn't I tell you? I was out for a drink and everyone left early, so I went home by myself. The stupid bastard popped out of nowhere and started bothering me like always, then he whipped out… something and whacked me over the head with it. I don't remember much else.

_When you woke up, what happened?_

Well… I … I woke up somewhere handcuffed to a pole. I'd never seen the place before but I could tell it was a basement. I – I wasn't scared or anything at all!

I just.. I knew if anyone would know where I was, it'd be Antonio so I started to call out for him.

_Did he appear?_

Yeah… Yeah, he looked like he just ran down from somewhere really far. Then he smiled that fucking creepy smile and I swear to god, I'm not scared of him, but that smile really freaks me out…

_Did he do anything to you?_

Just.. started mumbling to himself. Saying weird stuff. Saying that things were going to be ok. Told me to stop crying. (Even though I WASN'T). He said that… if nobody knew, then it wasn't a sin. I don't know what that means. I don't think I _want_ to know.

_A friend of Antonio has offered a theory. That he was religiously backed into a corner when he found he was attracted to you. Does that help at all?_

Oh… Well that's no fucking reason to go kidnap a person! I mean it's his own cross to bear if he finds out he's fucking flamer; he doesn't have to fucking steal me away.

_How did he treat you? _

He was… nice when he wasn't… you know. He gave me food. I usually kicked it out on the ground and he'd just kinda look at it with these sad eyes and walk out before bringing another dish of some other food with this really expectant look on his face.

He tried to talk to me sometimes but most of the time he just… yeah…

_He what?_

(_shifts uncomfortably)_ Did stuff. You know.

_It'll only hurt you to keep it closed off from yourself. I won't say a word to anyone, I promise. I'm here to help you._

It's… It's not that easy to talk about, ok? You don't know what it's like…

_So tell me. I'm here for you. _

_(sigh)_. It started off small. I was handcuffed so it wasn't like I could really do anything to get out of the situation, but it was just fucking weird. Sometimes, he'd come over and sit by me, just to stare for a while before… leaving. The bastard started getting more… confident though. You know? He'd... start kissing me. And touching me… and all the while he'd be murmuring some bullshit in Spanish. It sounded like a prayer or something.

Not to be melodramatic but the best I can say is that he… raped me.

_How did you manage to get out?_

I … managed to convince him I wouldn't leave. That I was ok with being his secret if I could keep him as my secret. It was just some quality acting shit, I guess, but I don't know. You ever think he wanted to be found out?

_What do you mean?_

I just… ah, fuck it, I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe it was my fault for ignoring him the way I did… (_glances away)_. Maybe I deserved it.

* * *

**A recorded interview with Antonio Fernando Carriedo, age 22.**

Hello Antonio. Would you like to talk about everything that happened?

(_a soft smile)_ Not especially.

_Your cooperation will help you get better, I promise._

(_a low laugh) _And you think I deserve to get better? No, we're all better off this way.

_If you'd please answer the questions, maybe we can help Lovino understand…_

Lovino… Is he ok?

_He's getting better. Now –_

Why did he leave? Where was he?

_(slowly) Well Antonio, Lovino left because he wanted his freedom. He went back home but right now he's in therapy, just like you. Now as I was going to say, what exactly made you … take Lovino?_

Because if nobody knows, then everything is fine. Because I thought... I thought if I could get rid of him, then I wasn't like _them_ and I couldn't be like them because Lovi, Lovi, my little beautiful Lovi was the only one I ever wanted. I never wanted anyone else like him. And I wasn't like them. If he was gone, I could.. go back to Bella. I could go back to everything.

_What do you mean? Care to start from the beginning?_

Haha, sorry. I told you everything.

_Hmm. Is it true you were making a love potion?_

(_brightened face)_ Yes! It didn't work though. I made it for myself so I could fall back in love with Bella but it was a bit of a pain getting her blood. But she had to go and get stabbed by some mysterious way and of course I vialed that up immediately. (_dark smile)_. Only I felt nothing for her. All I did was feel like vomiting all the time. Tell Arthur that none of that garbage magic stuff works. It's all a lie.

_I'm assuming that you wanted to fall in love with Bella because she was not male like Lovino. Isn't the occult generally considered anti-Christian?_

(_laugh)_ Oh yeah. But I mean, isn't it better than falling for a fellow brethren? That's disgusting. Sick. Perverted. I couldn't do that. If toying around with potions was a way to fix my sins, then I say it was my cross to bear.

_Why did you finally decide to steal Lovino?_

Because I couldn't handle it. I… I committed so many sins already to get rid of him, do you know that? I touched on dark magic. I slept with Bella. I _hurt_ her. I lied to everyone I knew. And yet, nothing worked. Do you know how frustrating it was? To keep living when I felt him underneath my skin, digging up at the surface until I wanted to die?

And he played his part so well! And when I saw that boy… that boy Christopher, or whatever with him, I nearly killed them both. All I could see was that they were so _happy_ in their sin and I wanted to know why I couldn't be happy in sin or in purity. Why I had to suffer.

But I'm not a sinner if Lovino doesn't exist to the world. (_smile). _ If I got rid of him, everything would be normal because I never… I could never love a man. That… is wrong. Against everything I believe in. It's disgusting. I only loved _him_.

_So this was an attempt to disprove that you were attracted to men._

It's not disproving. It was just making a distinction.

_This is incredibly illuminating, Antonio._

Is it?

_Yes. But tell me, if you were not attracted to men, then why did you touch him the way you did?_

Lovi is beyond comprehension, my love. He's something made of beauty and grace, something untouchable. Something I had to have. It wasn't a matter of him being a man so much as it was him being Lovino Vargas. I…When I slept with Bella, I felt absolutely nothing. Simply hollow _being_ but when I was in _him_, it was as if I could finally breathe. It was like everything in my life had been building up to that single point and I loved him so much more than I could hardly imagine.

_And why did you free him?_

He… started to respond to me. He said he loved me and I ate those words up like a starved child. He said that love doesn't entail a loss of freedom That love was better when two people are able to do as they please. I believed him _so much_. I wanted to. To think that he could care about me, to think that he might love me back as much as I loved him.

_And when he left…?_

I snapped. Easy as that. Everyone has a breaking point; I just realized mine.

_You stormed into the school late and demanded to know where he went. You assaulted various students in your search, and revealed that you had taken Lovino for the past few months. Do you regret it?_

Do I regret it? Regret what? Regret setting him free? A bit.

Regret all my mistakes? Of course. Regret attacking the students? Perhaps.

But I will never regret Lovino. Not even if God himself sends me down to Hell where I belong. Because love is love, and I'm sure that in time, Lovi will be back with me; back where he belongs. There's that quote isn't there? That if you love a person, you have to be able to set them free and if they return, it means your love was true. I prefer to be optimistic about that. (_small smile)._

_Thank you for your time, Mr. Fernando. Your attendant is here to take you back to your ward. It was quite helpful being able to hear your story._

Of course. (_a smooth laugh) _Tell Lovi I'm waiting for him. That I'll wait forever.

* * *

AN: well that was anticlimactic. *flail* I fail at building up to things. I think I take too long and then ... yeah. whatever. It was fun playing with perspective even though I sucked balls. xP

Reviews are wonderful and much appreciated!


End file.
